Isn't That Just A Kick In The Teeth

Ultimate Fighting Champignon

2006-10-29T13:45:00.000Z

Oh well. I Knacked my mate last night (I feel the word Knacked requires a K at the beginning, not that it matters it's not a proper word but it certainly looks more vicious). I know it sounds a bit stupid, but I was actually trying to stop him getting into a fight. I can't remember the ins and outs, but I never hit him, just gave him a little push. He was a bit unsteady for a bit, then just keeled over and landed on his nose. I thought I'd killed him for a minute. He should be a stunt man. I've never seen someone deck it and not put their hands out to stop themselves.
It's a long time since I had a fight - first year of big school in fact. I didn't hit that guy either. Just wrestled a bit. He was more popular than me so there were a lot of people kicking me while we were scrapping. I'd have been less popular still if I'd beaten him up, so I did the honourable thing and rubbed a discarded ham sandwich in his face - so he knew I'd won but didn't have any cuts or bruises (well not physically anyway). He hated me for it, which I can sort of understand now but I got more injuries from his supporting fans than I served him so I reckon we're square.

I feel really guilty about this whole thing by the way, he's one of those friends that would easily beat the shit out of me if he wanted to. I've injured him a number of times in the past - not intentionally- with a compass, rulers, sharp pencils etc. Once I threw a stick at him (from a long distance, not intending for it to hit him I swear it) and nearly knocked him out cold, but he's never retaliated.
I must admit though, it feels strangely empowering. Makes you want a pint of Stella.

I'd appreciate comments, am I evil?

It looks like there may be photos of the carnage on the way. watch this space.

Joke on the Water Dn Dn Dn, Dn Dn Denerh

2006-10-18T13:47:00.000+01:00

My life has changed. I'm doing some volunteer work with my spare time, giving something back to the Environment. I go out with a group of other 'volunteers' to complete tasks. Ranging from dry stone wall building to laying footpaths and repairing fences etc.
It sounds like community service... and it is.
To be honest it's sort of interesting, but when one of my fellow 'Vols' as we like to call 'ourselves' goes for the pick axe ( p-p-p-picks up a pick axe, sorry) I like to be more than a stones throw away.
Anyway, the same fellow Vol is the focus of the post today. Now he was a nice enough young lad, spoke to me a few times to describe a recent dog fight he'd watched on his street, or to explain the advantages of using wire over string for tying cats to fireworks (apparently it can't burn the string so the cat stays for the whole party - which apparently reaches high altitude - no roman candles for this Dude). I get the impression that this is an urban 'G' or similar and doesn't have much to do outside the crack industry. He's on work experience, he told me so. I believed him, I told him so. We all went for a little nature ramble and some of us (not me) decided to make a bridge across a stream. I have to congratulate them on their simple and elegant design, but their choice of materials...
here is a crude diagram of the crude layout:

would you believe it didn't work?

It didn't work.

'G' wasn't impressed with the outcome of the exercise. I rather was.
I dont know his name yet but my first impressions see him as a Roe-esk rising star, at least in my world of entertainment.

just to beat you to it,

2006-09-04T10:16:00.000+01:00

Steve Irwin is no more.
Stung through the heart by a stingray apparently. It was on BBC radio so probably relyable, probably.

All those crocs he poked and it's a fish that end him.

Poor lad.

Think you live in the real world? Yes, yes you do. Shit isn't it?!

2006-08-22T14:36:00.000+01:00

REST OF THE WORLD VERSION:

The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building and
improving his house and
laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and
laughs and dances and plays
the summer away. Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.

The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the
cold.

THE END

THE BRITISH VERSION:

The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his
house and laying up supplies
for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances
and plays the summer away. Come
winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.

A social worker finds the shivering grasshopper, calls a press conference
and demands to know why the
squirrel should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others less
fortunate, like the grasshopper, are
cold and starving. The BBC shows up to provide live coverage of the
shivering grasshopper; with cuts to a
video of the squirrel in his comfortable warm home with a table laden with
food.

The British press inform people that they should be ashamed that in a
country of such wealth, this poor
grasshopper is allowed to suffer so while others have plenty. The Labour
Party, Greenpeace, Animal Rights
and The Grasshopper Council of GB demonstrate in front of the squirrel's
house. The BBC, interrupting a
cultural festival special from Notting Hill with breaking news, broadcasts
a multi cultural choir
singing "We Shall Overcome". Ken Livingstone rants in an interview with
Trevor McDonald that the squirrel
has gotten rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an immediate
tax hike on the squirrel to
make him pay his "fair share" and increases the charge for squirrels to
enter inner London.

In response to pressure from the media, the Government drafts the Economic
Equity and Grasshopper Anti
Discrimination Act, retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The
squirrel' s taxes are reassessed. He
is taken to court and fined for failing to hire grasshoppers as builders
for the work he was doing on
his home and an additional fine for contempt when he told the court the
grasshopper did not want to work.

The grasshopper is provided with a council house, financial aid to furnish
it and an account with a
local taxi firm to ensure he can be socially mobile. The squirrels food is
seized and re distributed to the
more needy members of society, in this case the grasshopper.

Without enough money to buy more food, to pay the fine and his newly
imposed retroactive taxes, the squirrel
has to downsize and start building a new home. The local authority takes
over his old home and utilises
it as a temporary home for asylum seeking cats who had hijacked a plane to
get to Britain as they had to
share their country of origin with mice. On arrival they have tried to
blow up the airport because of Britain's
apparent love of dogs.

The cats had been arrested for the international offence of hijacking and
attempt bombing but were
immediately released because the police fed them pilchards instead of
salmon whilst in custody. Initial
moves to then return them to their own country were abandoned because it
was feared they would face death
by the mice. The cats devise and start a scam to obtain money from peoples
credit cards.

A Panorama special shows the grasshopper finishing up the last of the
squirrels's food, though Spring is
still months away, while the council house he is in, crumbles around him
because he hasn't bothered to
maintain the house. He is shown to be taking drugs. Inadequate government
funding is blamed for the
grasshoppers drug 'illness'.

The cats seek recompense in the British courts for their treatment since
arrival in UK.

The grasshopper gets arrested for stabbing an old dog during a burglary to
get money for his drugs habit. He
is imprisoned but released immediately because he has been in custody for a
few weeks. He is placed in the
care of the probation service to monitor and supervise him. Within a few
weeks he has killed a guinea pig in
a botched robbery.

A commission of enquiry, that will eventually cost £10,000,000 and state
the obvious, is set up.

Additional money is put into funding a drug rehabilitation scheme for
grasshoppers and legal aid
for lawyers representing asylum seekers is increased. The asylum seeking
cats are praised by the government
for enriching Britain's multicultural diversity and dogs are criticised by
the government for failing to
befriend the cats.

The grasshopper dies of a drug overdose. The usual sections of the press
blame it on the obvious failure
of government to address the root causes of despair arising from social
inequity and his traumatic
experience of prison. They call for the resignation of a minister.

The cats are paid a million pounds each because their rights were infringed
when the government failed to
inform them there were mice in the United Kingdom.

The squirrel, the dogs and the victims of the hijacking, the bombing, the
burglaries and robberies
have to pay an additional percentage on their credit cards to cover losses,
their taxes are increased to
pay for law and order and they are told that they will have to work beyond
65 because of a shortfall in
government funds.

THE END

-----no claim to ownership

bugger

2006-08-17T09:12:00.000+01:00

Just when I thought I had fans.

'You're excellent, so is your site'
'this is the best site I've ever seen - bookmarked'

I thought there was someone leaving me arse kissing comments, maybe even a bird, but no.
I've been stung by the automated generic email ploy.

I did wonder at a comment that said my site was 'informative'.

Gag And Bag This Nazi Muffin

2006-07-27T14:21:00.000+01:00

Now I know their prices are a bit steep, but Third Reich support? bit much.
I got on the bus home the other day paid my money (the guy was smiling and seemed in a good mood) but what did I notice when I collected my change? A fucking swastica tatooed on his hand! Now i can respect the argument that it's not just a Nazi symbol - it's probably thousands of years older than history but I have three things to say on this occasion -
1. It's a bus that goes through Beeston - you'd think they'd make him cover it up.
2. He had several other tatoos of various nasty things - skulls with the little pointy German 1st world war helmets on - that sort of thing
3. It was shoddy workmanship. typical sailor type blue ink tatts where the ink's bled.

It may come as a shock to you but I think the bus service in this country is shameful. There are very few developed countries on the planet that still have to put up with random timetables, over crowding and fucking regular breakdowns ( more regular than the service anyway). Fair enough there are places in India where 400 people pile on, but are they paying £1.80 for a 4 mile journey? No! At least they get fresh air if they're sat on the roof. Someone farts in this country and you have to put up with it.

Do they need to make their image worse by hiring offensive material to pilot these death traps? what's wrong with a plaster or gloves?

I've said it before - shameful.

first it's Heroes in a Half Shell, Now Jim's back

2006-07-26T15:09:00.000+01:00

I find it disturbing that cartoons are re released. Now fair enough, as with Turtles Jim was good - but why do they bring it out again? I have no problem with reruns but this is going to be a new series! What there's no creativity left? WQe have to watch second rate versions of classics with sissy whimp voices replacing the proper ones?
SHAMEFUL

Anyway, for those who don't remember it, this might jog your memory:

Earthworm Jim!
Through the soil he did crawl!
Earthworm Jim!
A super suit did fall!
Jim was just a dirt eating chewy link of worm flesh
But all that came to a crashing end, ha ha ha!
Earthworm Jim!
He's such a groovy guy!
Earthworm Jim!
He rockets through the sky!
Cruisin' through the universe havin' lots of fun
Here comes Earthworm Jim you know he's the mighty one!

Despite his great big muscles and his really big ray gun
Jim is still an earthworm but then he's the only one
With a supersuit that makes him really super strong
Jim can be winner only if we all sing along!
Earthworm Jim!
We think he's mighty fine!
Earthworm Jim!
A hero for all time!
Earthworm, Earthworm, Earthworm
Earthworm Jim!
Hooray for Jim!

Just don't dress like a terrorist!

2006-07-25T15:13:00.000+01:00

Man I missed out on something cool, just cos I aint a cockney. We need StreetWars - Leeds

It looks pretty cool, you get to assassinate people but with water pistols. Check it out. StreetWars London started today, or tonight... I dunno

www.streetwars.net

I found this on yahoo, it has a title but I prefer to call it 'Fucked Up but Pretty Cool'

2006-07-24T08:16:00.000+01:00

The phenomenal power of the human mind

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdaniegThe phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid! Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer inwaht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? Yaeh, and I awlyas thought slpeling was ipmorantt.NOTE: I read this somewhere and I just had to pass it around. I do not know the origins of the text

Animals of the week

2006-07-20T14:44:00.000+01:00

I'm sure by now you're aware that the timeframe and indeed the whole format I originally set has gone down the pan.
Hey-ho.
This is a picture of a two headed snake:

Apparently they're not that rare, some have been known to fight each other for food. Quality. Having a scrap over food which ultimately feeds them both anyhow. It would be worth watching.

And this is a picture of a two headed tortiose:

This little fellow's been named Twotoise.

I think it's an issue resulting from anthropogenic activity in the environment myself.

I spotted this poor sod in Amsterdam zoo (standing in front of a picture of the African bush). I feel sorry for the poor bugger at the back that has to watch itself shit everyday.
Shortly after seeing 'Cerberaffe' I had another spliff then flipped off the Gorilla. He was an angry young primate. He left a greasy hand print on the glass next to my face that was bigger than a tennis racket (when I say next to my face, I mean next to where my face had been. My face could be seen streaking through the zoo screaming). It's a laid back zoo there, I like it and would recommend you go. Above the hippo tank there was a sign saying 'Flash photography makes the hippo angry and dangerous'. Now I don't know about you but that's an offer I can't refuse. You see they provide tips for getting the most out of your visit.

NB.
I didn't use photoshop in any of the pictures above. whether someone else did is not my problem. I may have used photo editor for tweeking the cerberaffe picture slighty ( I made him an inch taller, can you tell?) but it's such a shit program it wasn't easy.

Double entendres and psycology in one

2006-07-20T11:41:00.000+01:00

I keep getting stuff like this sent to me at work, It's funny. What I don't like though is the fact that every sod who gets it decides to pass it on again, so I've had this 12 times in the last month.
But for some reason, I read it through everytime just to check it's not slightly different. I think it's a psycological issue - I have to check. Least it passes the time. If you haven't read them before, have a look. If you have read them, don't read again, you'll be stuck in the same downward spiral of compulsive insanity.
I knew a guy at Uni, he started like this... well he did drink 20 cans of coke a day aswell. Now he's buggered, has to have 12 showers in a row and when he comes out of the shower, if you say hello it freaks him out and he has to go straight back in and do the lot from scratch. I bet Pantene fucking loved him. He'd never had a wank - or so he said, he couldn't cope with the thought of it - that made him wash his hands 10 times which is bad enough. He'd need a brillo pad to clean his knob so I don't blame him. Life's cruel to some people. He wasn't a bad lad, bit odd though. on a serious note (I know, I know 'where's it been funny so far?') The poor lad apparently had a life expectancy of 40. Which is a big kick in the bollocks I'm sure you'll agree, I probably wont make it that long but blissfully unaware etc. I'd at least want a bottle of vodka with my 20 cans of coke. And I'd consider blaming them for my problem too!

Double Entendres

MIKE Hallett on Sky Sports discussing snooker during a match where Steve Davis kept missing easy pots "Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."

MICHAEL Buerk watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: "They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts."

STEVE Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69."
Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."

JACK Burnicle was talking about Colin Edward's tyre choice on World Superbike racing: "Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I bet he wished he had a hard on now."

WINNING Post's Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony McCoy's formidable lead: "Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes what he sees."

ROSS King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond: "Well Phil, tell us about your amazing third leg."

DURING the 1989 British Masters golf tournament, the commentator observed: "Notices are appearing at courses telling golfers not to lick their balls on the green."

CRICKETER Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham v Lancashire match, inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe: "With his lovely soft hands he just tossed it off."

CLAIR Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: "There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."

JAMES Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked: "What does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?"

THE new stand at Doncaster race course took Brough Scott's breath away..."My word," he said. "Look at that magnificent erection."

WILLIE Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for a big race when he said: "They usually have four or five dreams a night about coming from different positions."

USPGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them.... Oh my god! What have I just said?"

David Coleman at the Montreal Olympics - "And there goes Juantorena down the back straight, opening his legs and showing his class."

Metro Radio - "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."
Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - "Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew."

Ted Walsh- Horse Racing Commentator - "This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother."

New Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him."

Pat Glenn- Weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"

(non sports) Chris Tarrant discussing the first Who wants to be a Millionaire winner Judith Keppel on This Morning: "She was practising fastest finger first by herself in bed last night."

Animal of the Weak (weak as in could do better)

2006-07-14T16:54:00.000+01:00

Well he sure looks soft. Here's a few facts though:
It was originally thought that the first platypus specimens that were sent to England, were nothing more than an elaborate hoax. This was a fairly logical reaction to an animal that would seem impossible because it had a muzzle like a duck's bill, a tail like a beaver and which laid eggs but suckled its young. All of these attributes seemed contradictory to the knowledge scientists had in those days. But since then a lot of investigation has been done in order to find out more about this 'hoax' of a creature.
The platypus is roughly half the size of a household cat. The adult male's average length is about 50cm and its weight is approximately 1.7kg. The female, however, is smaller and will reach an average length of 44cm and weigh about 0.9kg. This difference in size and weight between the males and the females is called sexual dimorphism

The platypus is a shy creature that will attempt to swim away and avoid aggressive situations. This may involve spending longer underwater, possibly up to 10 minutes, and at the same time not giving off any tell-tale bubbles that would indicate its position (pussy). However, during the breeding season the male platypus is likely to become aggressive towards potential competition(randy). This aggression is predominantly demonstrated with the use of the poisonous spur located on his hind legs (sneaky). These spurs are hollow and are connected to a sac of poison, which is pumped through the spur and into the object that it has pierced(painful). It has been known that this venom can kill dogs and other platypuses/platypi, but wild platypuses/platypi have been found with injuries sustained by spurs, yet they have survived.

The story I heard was that the first guy to try and stroke one got a jab and said it was the most painful thing he'd ever experienced. The reporter kicked him in the nuts and set him straight.

Tit of the Century (286th century though it may be)

2006-07-14T16:35:00.000+01:00

If I didn't know better, I'd think a certain large Star Trek fan some of us are acquainted with owned a farm, but it's probably a bit much. And by large I don't mean the extent of his fan-ness (replace n with t and you know to whom I refer)
LONDON (Reuters) - A British fan of the cult TV show "Star Trek" has boldly gone where no man has gone before and created a giant maize maze dedicated to the programme.
Trekkie Tom Pearcy used satellite technology to help him cut the maze in the corn field at his farm near York, northern England, to celebrate 40 years since the show's first episode.
The maze, whose design includes images of character Mr Spock and the USS Enterprise spaceship, used 1.5 million maize plants and claims to be the biggest of its kind in the world

This is

2006-06-02T15:40:00.000+01:00

seriously funny. I think thwe idea is that they're all in a library so aren't allowed to speak. the big bloke is apparently some famous kickboxer.
The slapping machine is the funniest one in my opinion.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6wzMJ_RdgHg&feature=Views&page=2&t=a&f=b

motivational words

2006-06-02T11:02:00.000+01:00

Be the one to make a difference.

Doherty

2006-06-02T10:44:00.000+01:00

How does the most famous drug abuser of present times, get on a plane with syringes?
I'm sorry but there are some serious double standards that need to be addressed. He's famous so he's not searched on his way in? I get searched every fucking time I go through. If I tried bringing a spliff back from Amsterdam, I'd be fucked. yet this guy can leave needles in the toilet and he only gets banned from easyjet. The fact that kids use these toilets doesn't seem to matter.

Fucking Injustice

Diet tips

2006-05-31T14:59:00.000+01:00

In line with my usual info pilfering, here's a few little diet tips that might make you think. I came across this, it's not a funny site, I imagine the guy copied it from somewhere else - someone more creative...

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British, Australians or Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British, Australians or Americans.
3. The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British, Australians or Americans
4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British, Australians or Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British, Australians or Americans.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

What's in the news?

2006-05-31T10:30:00.000+01:00

Emails objecting to a house extension failed to reach a council planning department because their computer system blocked the word "erection", it emerged.
Commercial lawyer Ray Kennedy, from Middleton, Greater Manchester, sent three emails to Rochdale Council complaining about his neighbour's plans.
But the first two messages, which contained the word "erection", failed to reach the planning department because the software on the town hall's computer system deemed them offensive.

Hehe. It's a poor state of affairs when we're afraid of the word erection. Lets face it. This highlights political correctness gone mad. The word erection really applies to the building/planning industry. How many emails would have been blocked? crazy.

Swan paddle boats on a pond in Germany are so realistic, one real swan has fallen in love!
The black swan has not left the white swan boat's side since it flew in to the German town of Muenster in early May.
"It seems like he's fallen in love," said Overschmidt. "He protects it, sits next to it all the time and chases away any sail boats that get anywhere nearby. He thinks the boat is a strong and attractive swan."

Awwh. Silly swan. He's only after a bit of low maintenance plastic loving and everyone takes the piss.

Batwoman is set to to be reincarnated - as a lesbian socialite.
The superhero, first introduced in 1956, will return to the pages of comic books as a "wealthy, buxom lipstick lesbian" in July after an absence of nearly 30 years.
The old Batwoman had a crush on Batman before she was killed off in 1979, but the new superhero alter-ego of Kathy Kane has a romantic history with ex-police detective Renee Montoya, according to the New York Times.

Superman's now a 3ft tall, bald Mongolian named Leroy. He's originally from the planet Crap'ton and his super powers including being able to watch the English Patient from start to finish and get into any club in Leeds without paying entry even when pissed. His only weakness - Cryptomarmite.

Striker

2006-05-26T11:20:00.000+01:00

This is in fact the world's greatest striker (in football for those with my level of sports knowledge). I'm not kidding. watch it and tell me you dont agree!http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHaeB0UeAtQ&search=woman%20scoring%20a%20goal

2006-05-24T13:31:00.000+01:00

Pathetic.
what drives these people?
knob ends that send emails trying to be sarcastic and copying your boss and their boss and anyone else in. They're frontin. They're trying to goad me into some sort of retaliation. Little do they know I'm resilient to attack!
I don't give a fuck. they can play their little games for all I care. I'll leave them to it. Just diffused the situation by playing stupid. " yeah, you're right. I should have called to confirm. I'm an idiot, you're great. Thanks for pointing this out."

tosspot toilet talkers

2006-05-24T11:37:00.000+01:00

Ok I'm not going to spend too long on this, but when you're standing at a urinal, how offensive is it when some tosser speaks to you?! It doesn't interupt my flow or make me nervous, I just dont think its an appropriate time to have a conversation with another bloke - when you're both stood, cock in hand.

It's forgivable when the dude's pissed, but one guy at work does it all the time. He's fairly old, I'd say between 50 and 65. He has a boozers nose (all read and blotchy like Jim from the royal family) and greasy hair that sticks to his forehead. I think he's got a gammy leg too and he's always having a shit. Imagine the type, I'm sure there's one where you work. Anyway, when I first started with the company, he picks the urinal next to me and says "they're very cosy these toilets aren't they?" - I made that noise when you exhale through your nose briefly to acknowledge the speaker. Because he's a dodgy looking fellow, since then I always made sure our timing didn't coincide.
However,
Today I missed out. He was there. And what did he say? "they're very cosy these toilets aren't they?".

I did a double take. Deja vu or whatever.
Here's this guy, who not only talks to people in the bog, but has his own little spiel which he uses every time. He drew an "mmm" out of me this time, more out of wonder at this freak than anything he said.

2006-05-24T10:19:00.000+01:00

Advice needed.
There's a house near where I live, I walk past it every day and notice something strange. at around 5pm, it's not out of the ordinary for houses to smell of cooking etc but this one is different. So far I've noticed 3 different smells.
Sometimes it smells of spent matches - you know the sulphurous smell.
Sometimes it smells of burnt hair - again you knw the smell.
Sometimes it smells of boiled eggs and toasted soldiers with salt and pepper - I know it's not quite as recogniseable as the others, but this is the best explaination I can come up with.

Now don't get me wrong, it's not every day I walk past that I detect this, but it's too often for my liking. It worries me (not to any great extent, mor of a passing concern) that there may be some crazy shit going down.
It seems to me that there's some sort of arson/torture/bomb making facility in the garage. As it happens I live near what was, (until recently discovered and closed) one of the largest IRA bomb factories so maybe they relocated to my street. anyway, if there's a link between these fragrances, please let me know so I can shop them. If I know you, I'll point out the house some day.

Animal of the week - 4th week Anniversary edition

2006-05-19T15:16:00.000+01:00

Acctually thinking about it, I can't remember whether I did one last week. I can't be bothered finding out now anyway.

Here it is. Jaws.

According to most people the great white shark is a cold blooded killing machine.
trouble is, how do we know they're cold blooded? you're trying to tell me there isn't even a hint of guilt? I think there is, look at this picture if you don't agree:

looks like anguish to me.

What, like squirrells express they're feelings of guilt all the time?

fucking squirrels never shut up do they
"I've killed again. new born oak trees this time. I've burried one in the yard, but I can't tell you where it is without my solicitor present. Pleeeeease dont send me to prison." this quote taken from the squirrel on the right.

I had to put this pic in, I find it hilarious -

The great white shark is a pretty mean fucker, in the water you don't stand a chance, but outside the kebab shop on a friday night, you can take him!

Official - I'm an alcoholic

2006-05-19T12:31:00.001+01:00

As promised, my postings are erratic at best.
I'm just here to let you know I'm still alive - just, I've been a bit busy is all.
I need to pass some advice on, when you think it's a good idea to go out drinking mid week, it isn't. You'll tend to have a better night than at the weekend, there's something about friday and saturday nights that seems too regular. The best nights of course are those when you weren't going to do anything, and have to be up at 6 for work. Trouble is you pay for it the next day.
Why do people forget the after effects of drink? it fuckin hurts and often lasts a whole day but as soon as it's worn off you're like "so what we doin tonight then?" For all the bad press weed gets, it doesn't mess you up for a day does it? (come on, I know you know). thing is the man can tax you plenty for booze so it's acceptable.

Anyway, I'm not going to stop having the odd tipple even though I feel like shit today. doesn't that seem stupid?

I did an online alcoholism test yesterday, results were bad.
Questions were along the lines of how often do you drink, how many people have you injured due to booze
http://www.bbc.co.uk/health/conditions/addictions/typesaddiction_alcohol.shtml
If you scored between 8 and 10 then it suggested talking to a doctor. I got 15. Which , if you take the test yourself is actually a reserved estimate. I'd go to the doctor but he's probably had more to drink before driving to work. After last night I reckon I've cranked the score up to about 30 though.

2006-05-12T13:11:00.000+01:00

Three links you need to see.
Number one is pretty funny, Number two is a bit sad (that they spent so much time on it), Number three is a better attempt at the holding your breath competition that Blaine tried recently. By the way I get most of this stuff from Yahoo! Office attachments (link to the right somewhere). you can also find some funny videos etc on http://www.youtube.com/

http://uk.rd.yahoo.com/oa/*http://uk.download.yahoo.com/pr/fu/oa/easterbunny1.wmv
http://uk.rd.yahoo.com/oa/*http://uk.download.yahoo.com/pr/fu/oa/ghostbusters.wmv
http://www.legodavidblaine.co.uk/

joke - it's not mine

2006-05-12T11:48:00.000+01:00

I heard this, I'm making no claims to ownership. pretty funny.

Why are John Prescott and MFI flat pack furniture the same?

- A few screws in the wrong place and the whole cabinet collapses.

An Epiphany

2006-05-10T12:41:00.000+01:00

I sat yesterday thinking of all the amazing things I've done and seen. When I finished my toilet break, I thought, and nearly shouted TIME CAPSULE!
It's a great idea to make a TC (not Top Cat). You put all this stuff in that explains who you are, what life is like etc and bury it in the hope that someday Tony Robinson will come along and conclude that stone walls existed in ancient times.
I'm seriously thinking of putting a TC together, but have a few problems to overcome first.

What do I put in? Paper's likely to disintegrate, cds etc probably wont be readable in the future, any physical items I have I need or are too expensive to bury.
Where do I bury it? The few areas of the UK that aren't tarmac soon will be, should I take the risk that in a couple of months time, some builder's gonna find it and sell the contents, or worse - laugh at me? I suppose I could try a National Park but it's probably illeagle to go burying stuff in the woods.
What language to I try to communicate in? English will go the way of the Empire, I aint trying French. I suppose I could give Binary a shot.
Do I add instructions to put the fucker back if it's found in less than a hundred years or so?
what container should I use? a knackered old biscuit tin would do, but do I want people from the future to think I'm cheap?
What will people want to know about the present? that there's not much point building a time machine to come back?
Is there any point anyway if it's gonna be buried under seven miles of Ice in a thousand years?

If you have any suggestioons, please feel free.

here are a few ideas for content

A Liger - pretty much the coolest animal on the planet apparently. the pic to the right isn't even the biggest recorded and it's huge!

J-Lo's Bum - Revolutionary let's be fair! Yes I do realise her bum is the only bit missing from this pic, I'm still not sure about the rules on what I can view at work so better play safe!

A mechanical watch - One of mankinds greatest achievements

A sachet of Wasabi sauce from Si Sushi

A detailed description (with photos and video if possible) of Morris Dancing along with reasons and the name of the Tit who invented it and all those who take part.

I'll add more items as I think of them, I've got to go home soon so can't do much more at the moment. Look out for related post titles.

My mistake

2006-05-10T12:31:00.000+01:00

Oh. Apologies to any criminals out there, I didn't mean to jump to conclusions by suggesting theft of a sidebar (while on the subject, I wonder if theft of a sidecar has ever occurred...). I got over enthusiastic with one of my pictures. If you make 'em too big, they overlap and stop it showing. Bear that in mind!

Who steals a sidebar? Who?

2006-05-10T12:25:00.000+01:00

Ok so where have my links all gone? Like it's not hard enough bringing my blog up as a single writer in this hard world, now the sidebar's done a runner. I thought I'd put everything on Left Align but alas, it's gone. just vanished. Template still ok though. I'll be patient...

Surprisingly Regular ANIMAL OF THE WEEK!

2006-05-10T09:15:00.000+01:00

Appologies for the crappy title picture, best I could do at the moment I'm afraid.

This Week's Animal is the Sparrow Hawk. This isn't my drawing. Shame though cos it's a damn fine effort.
I'm sure we've all got a good idea about what they eat, what they do etc, it's only a bird nothing fancy.

I'm interested in the naming convension used for this animal though. What they couldn't think of a better name? There are two reasons why it's called a Sparrow Hawk as far as I'm concerned

1) It was originally bred by crossing a Sparrow and a Hawk. -Doubtful, but it would explain why they're always chasing the 'pure blood' sparrows around - Maybe they gave the poor old Sparrow Hawks a hard time growing up because they're half cast. Now they get revenge.

2) The bird is named after it's staple diet. Now this might be a bit elitist, but shouldn't the creature that's highest up the foodchain get to be named first? What's next? Humans called 'potato chimps'? or 'Bread Apes'? I think not. I reckon the prey should be called just that - Hawk prey, or Eagle fodder etc.
How does the naming convension apply to the Hawk Moth? they aint that big!

GlaxoSmithKline

2006-05-10T08:10:00.000+01:00

Maybe you've heard, Maybe you haven't.
There's a load of animal rights activists taking issue with GSK. Now don't get me wrong, I support their cause, I agree with most of their reasons for stopping animal testing etc, but is it me or is there a slight problem with their plans?
Their latest ploy is to send letters to share holders threatening to publish their personal details on the net if they don't sell their shares. But what will they do when someone else buys them? send them a letter too? Seems like a terrible waste of paper to me. Selling the shares isn't really gonna help now is it?

Canada Eh?

2006-05-10T08:02:00.000+01:00

It's worth going...

How cool is this? now this is a crime they should be forgiven for. Should really be allowed to keep the money too.
Three boys aged 13 to 14 years were arrested over the weekend in a suburb of Vancouver on Canada's west coast, accused of committing a string of recent bank robberies, police announced.
The boys, whose names were not released, simply walked up to tellers at seven local banks during the past two months and slipped them a note asking for money, a spokewoman for the Royal Canadian Mounted Police said.
No weapons were used in the heists, she added.
To avoid harm, bank staff in Canada are instructed to hand over cash if confronted by robbers.

le futball

2006-05-09T22:04:00.000+01:00

I wouldn't normally mention football, not really that interested in it (I always cringe when I say that, normally the room goes silent and someone throws something sharp). This bloke's in the news a bit at the moment. was clearing out some emails and found the pic, made me chuckle.

Shazam! (valid reason for using this - read on!)

2006-05-09T13:07:00.005+01:00

Right Point number One. David Blaine.
What is this guy all about? He's famous for doing all these magic tricks but when you go on the internet, you can see how they're done - with props and stuff like any other cheap birthday party clown/magician. The he goes and does all these insane feats of mental and physical strength which require substance and determination, one recent example of which is sitting in a box for 44 days. I found a small article of someone who can beat that - A 480-pound Martin County woman has died after emergency workers tried to remove her from the couch where she had remained for about six years.
Gayle Laverne Grinds, 40, died Wednesday, after a failed six-hour effort to dislodge her from the couch in her home. Workers say the home was filthy, and Grinds was too large to get up from the couch to even use the bathroom. -WINNER OF THAT ONE THEN!

Recently however, My impression of the wanna be Paul Daniels rocketed when I found he was going to attempt something truely worthy of Houdini, the holding your breath competition: What Blaine is doing is called apnoea, which is the scientific term for breath-holding and literally means "without air". Because he is not descending through water at the same time, it is known as static apnoea. The current record stands at eight minutes, 58 seconds, but freedivers have held their breath for up to 15 minutes by breathing in pure oxygen beforehand. Either way this is pretty impressive, but did he manage it?

-Did he fuck!. He passed out at the 7min mark. I'm sorry but I reckon I could do that much at a push
Breathing in...
30 seconds - I'm fine, no effects
60 seconds - Face and head feel like they're throbbing slightly
90 seconds - It burns!!
120 seconds - My lungs are expanding and contracting though my mouth is still closed. I typed this after the experiment, couldn't type, too busy thinking about cool sweet Oxygen.

Ok so I couldn't make it past 2mins. I'm weak. But saying that, I haven't had months of training, no doubt from the best free divers in the world. I didn't have a team of medics and experts around incase I went too far. Most Importantly, I didn't make a shit load of money out of it.
Why is everyone blind to the fact that this guy never actually does anything special.
The box over the Thames - at the end of the day, He was trapped in a box. Even if he wanted to, there wasn't much he could do till they let him out. There are plenty of examples in prison films where people have been 'In the Hole' or 'In Solitary' for a damn site longer. What about Anne Frank? a whole family hiding from Nazis in an airing cupboard. She even managed to write a book!
It pisses me off that my job stinks, I have to take all sorts of shit on a daily basis for bugger all money. This guy's a millionnaire for trying (and failing) to hold his breath. By my calculations (from childhood competitions alone) I should be able to buy Microsoft (and make it good).

Now I would go on to say he's a failure (whether I am a failure isn't in question here, thankyou very much), but No. He's not a failure. In fact, I reckon he's pretty smart. You have to have some buisness accumen to make so much money from doing nothing. He's never been that popular in this country cos we've seen it all before, but in the US for some reason, they appear love him. They've seen it all before but they don't seem to mind being fed the same repetitive shit over and again, I can't understand why. watch Paramount Comedy for an hour or more and you know what I mean.
Here's a man who's got the time and the brass bollocks to piss around and yet still be famous.
Hats off to him I say!

Point Number 2. Don't eat fish when pissed
A man choked to death trying to swallow a live fish after an all day drinking binge.
Todd Poller told friends, "Hey, watch this" before grabbing a five inch perch from a creek. He dropped it headfirst into his mouth but it lodged in his throat.
He began choking and gasping for air. Friends tried to dislodge the fish by using the Heimlich manoeuvre.
Mr Poller, aged 45, was dead by the time an ambulance arrived at Neal's Creek, Viburnum, Missouri.
Alan Mathes, Sheriff of Iron County, said an autopsy found Mr Poller died from asphyxiation from having a fish lodged in his throat.
Besides choking the victim also suffered lacerations to the inside of his throat from the fish's fins.
Sheriff Mathes said Poller was a "well-known character" in the area. I bet he was. Not only is this guy good enough to catch a small fish in a river with his bare hands, He was so confident in his ability that he said 'watch this' before trying.
The fact that he was well lashed can only add to his prowess as a hunter. Just a shame he had the munchies I suppose. Oh well, his skills are lost to mankind now.

For want of a better title

2006-05-05T10:57:00.000+01:00

Some things you should know:
In the Uk, it's illeagal to eat mince pies on Christmas day. - Stupid
It's illeagal to be drunk on licensed premises. - Makes no Sense
It is considered treason to put a postage stamp on upside down. - Petty
It's illeagal for a boy under the age of 10 to see a naked shop mannequin. - Sounds like something Mary Whitehouse would suggest. Stops all the ten year olds wanking over plastic dolls without arms and legs. Dirty little bastards.

Recipe for some good quality homemade biscuits:
1/2 cup of powedered milk
1 well beaten egg
2 1/2 cups whole flour
1/2 tsp salt
(preferably garlic for the added taste!)
1 1/2 teaspoons of brown sugar
1/2 cup water
6 tablespoons gravy
1 jar of meat paste

First things first! Mix all the ingredients together in mixing bowl. Knead mixture using extra flour if needed then shape into bones etc. Bake in oven at 180C (350F). Allow to cool and serve.

They're ok, but don't try dunking them in your tea.

medical advice

2006-05-04T17:20:00.000+01:00

I've got this scratch on my cornea (I think it's a scratch). It's a slight distortion of the image in my right eye, looks a bit like scratched glass (which is why I think it's a scratch), or the shadow produced at the bottom of the bath when a small hair is floating on the surface (tell me you don't know what that looks like). It only really appears when I'm tired and my focus is going a bit blurry. When I first started noticing it, I wasn't too bothered, assumed it would heal. However, upon further study of said scratch (intensive research really, I tried measuring it's dimensions and velocity at one point) I've noticed a few strange properties. The main problem that often irritates is that it moves when I try to focus on it as it's just outside the point of main focus. This means I sit there chasing it round my field of vision, never quite catching it. Like a dog and his tail!I realise that this fits with the scratch theory, but this is the strange bit, when I stare at a fixed point, the fucker tries to slope off downwards. I wasn't going to mention it but I've spent the last hour chasing the bastard, looking like a lunatic with wild eyes.

If anyone knows what I'm on about, has had similar experiences, or can confirm that it's a scientific first, then please let me know.
I'm thinking about naming the phenomenon, something along the lines of 'unensnareable optical anomaly' or my personal favourite 'wildeye'. What do you think? Comments please (PLEASE!?)

In response to intense positive feedback

2006-05-03T23:18:00.000+01:00

I've decided that if the national lottery can expand it's business into midweek draws, then there's no reason why I can't expand the most popular weekly (optemistic) post by also having a midweek installment. I had worried about 'burning out' too early by posting such incredible stuff so often, but as my blogging career is likely to be short lived ("little or no attention span" in school reports), I might as well perform. As a special treat for you today:

Animal of the week! Thunderballs edition!

I found a more specific picture, but I'll spare you the experience.
The testicles of the right whale are likely to be the largest of any animal. Each weighs around 500 kg. At 1% of its total body weight, this size is very large even taking into account the size of the whale. This suggests that competition is important in the mating process.
The testicles of the right whale are likely to be the largest of any animal. Each weighs around 500 kg. At 1% of its total body weight, this size is very large even taking into account the size of the whale. This suggests that sperm competition is important in the mating process.

It had to be done. If only for the thunderballs pun.

Unrelated fact discovered along the way:
Coconuts kill more people than sharks!

Isn't that your tangerine?

2006-05-03T23:01:00.000+01:00

It's not orange

anymore.It's got a greenish

velvet coat on. It's shrinking.

It's got the smell of grass cuttings.

It's sitting under my desk waiting for

me to step on it, or move it.I'm not

doing either. I know it's game.It's not

mine, I don't recognise it.I'll leave

it for someone else to sort out.

The guy who replaces me

might move it.

Chilled

2006-05-03T20:55:00.000+01:00

Right, Disaster averted. You can sleep sound in the knowledge that I found my wallet. I've attempted to purvey my newly found level of chilled-ness with the nice pastelly font colour.
I had a shit day and it nearly got me. I got home though and there was the article responsible for most of my grief. I had some tea and now I'm happy again.

A little nugget provided by Longy:

On May 4th, 2006 @ 2min and 3sec past 1am (that's about 1Hr22mins away!), the time and date will be 01:02:03.04.05.06
This happens once in a thousand years apparently.

How nice.

ANGER

2006-05-03T17:49:00.000+01:00

I have the Rage.
I still haven't found my fucking wallet and it's been a shit day at work. I'm still there!
Meanwhile some fucker could be sunning it up in the seychells on my fucking credit card.

If it's not there when I get home, something's gonna break. A door panel, or my last remaining thread of sanity. I don't care which.

Bit of a joke

2006-05-03T14:39:00.000+01:00

Again, I pinched this, but I don't care, I post what I like:

A woman walks into her doctor's office, scared of the strange development recently to the inside of her thighs... a green spot on the inside of each.
They won't wash off, they won't scrape off, and they seem to be getting worse. The doctor assures her he'll get to the bottom of this, and that she needn't worry until tests come back. He sends her home. A few days later, the woman's phone rings. Much to her relief, it's the doctor. She immediately begs to know what's going on with these spots? "You're perfectly healthy--there's no problem. But I'm wondering: is your boyfriend a chav?" the doctor asks.
"Yes--how did you know?" "Tell him his earrings aren't real gold."

Ah Sheeit

2006-05-03T11:24:00.000+01:00

Anyone seen my wallet?
I knew they were trouble as soon as I got one. Never bothered till a year ago. Better to keep it all separate in your pockets I thought. Then after a while, I was brought round to the realisation that if everyone else has one, then there must be something I'm missing. Now I know. I'm missing the fucking wallet!

I'm sat at work with a pocket full of shrapnel so I can get home tonight on the peasant wagon, no money for dinner, no cash cards or anything.

What makes it worse is that I don't have a clue where I left it. Maybe it was here:

If you find my wallet, please return it and feel free to take a fiver for your troubles. Not a tenner, unless you have to pay for postage. Let me know and I'll send you delivery details.

International News:

Americans officially crazy. Where else would you see this phenomenon?

I must admit this isn't my find, I pinched it.

Indian Man makes a stand:

After a row with his wife, Gayadhar Parida vowed he would move out to his tree house and not return.
Fifty years later, and despite repeated pleas from his wife and children, the 83-year-old is still in the tree in India's eastern Orissa state.
His tree house 500 yards from the family home is the second place Gayadhar has lived, after his first tree collapsed during a storm.

Too right, you go old fella! A TV and a portable fridge and you're laughing.

Travel Tips

-Amsterdam
Go there, it's great - but go for the right reasons. Spending your hard earned money on VD and the Aids isn't one. No, get yourself into a nice coffee shop, get a sample of the produce from the 'other' counter and enjoy the real purpose for Amsterdam.
If you need something else to keep you occupied, try feeling Kylie's bum in Madame Tussauds, or even better, go watch the Gorilla go ape shit in the Zoo (I feel sorry for the poor fella, but it's an impressive sight!)
Try to avoid the bicycles - they'll get you!
And the best tip, don't stand on a street corner looking at a map (pretty serious mistake!). Some rogue will spot an easy meal. They offer to help with directions and try to lead you all over Amsterdam. Don't go with them. Sometimes they even fight over who's going to 'help' you. The best outcome I've seen from following these guys is being sold a bag of tree leaves chopped up for forty quid (Didn't happen to me personally). The worst outcome? Waking in a bath of ice, with a phone glued to your hand and a bit of paper saying 999 (or whatever's local).

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A few bits that don't fit anywhere above -

I assume most people who are reading this have seen the Longster playing football, the guy who did this obviously has. It made me chuckle so I thought it deserved to be in here somewhere - Link: http://www.footski.com/teaser/joga-feio.asp

By the way, Fans, I will be creating Animal of this week. I realise many of you are worried that due to Post dated animal of last week, I might not bother, but I've decided it's the backbone of the content and I can't pull the crowds without it. Most of my posts appear sporadically, I tend to forget subject ideas - I blame this on lapses of memory brought on by over work.

A quality new phrase emerged while in a conversation with colleagues the other day, due to certain members of the discussion overhearing part of a sentence, a 'Turban Smith' was born. Now this isn't intended as being racist, I think it could be a useful term. See if you can think of any uses (don't make me have to moderate comments please).

Animal of last week

2006-05-02T22:08:00.000+01:00

Now then Ladies and the rest of you,
Back by popular demand (I say popular, one person, Cheers for the inspiration dude!check the link to the right if you haven't already- uptothetest)
It's the POST DATED ANIMAL OF THE WEEK!

On a related note, I was toying with LETTER OF THE WEEK (of the alphabet, this week would be H) and LANGUAGE OF THE WEEK (French) but I'm not too sure about the letter idea, I'm pretty sure however that French is a bad idea in any situation! I was also considering FOREIGN ANIMAL OF THE LETTER, OF THE WEEK, but it's a bit much.

Anyway,
This weeks animal is ferocious, as promised. It's evil, one of the most feared (and rightly so) of all animals, but yet so difficult to twat (don't like the word but it's fitting). If you haven't already guessed, it's mankind's worst enemy, the only animal capable of taking on the Hoff, the Norris or the Smiler;

Yes it's the Candiru!

What the fuck's a Candiru I hear you say!?

Well if you don't know, then read on, cos it's important to you, I promise!

A relatively simple scientific description:

The Candiru will swim into the urethras of both men and women if they should so decide to answer the call of nature while immersed. It's about 40-60mm long, and only 4-6mm wide, so it can fit. Women are more prone to attack due to the larger opening, and also due to the fact that the fish are attracted by blood as well as urine. Since the fish has spines that it can extend out, removal is next to impossible without surgery.
However, there is a nicer method of removal (you may uncross your legs now). The Xaqua plant, as well as the buitach apple, will kill the fish and also actually dissolve it. Amputation, therefore, is not necessary.
BUT LOOK AT THE FUCKIN PICTURE THAT COMES WITH IT!

TELL ME THAT'S NOT YOU'RE NEW WORST NIGHTMARE!

This little bastard swims up yer cock, sticks it's hooks in, dies and rots. how fucking evil is that? forget suicide bombers, these are suicide cock destroyers.

As this blog is not simply a reporting tool, but a learning tool aswell, I've decided to let you in on the secrets of defeating their nefarious plans:

Step 1: Don't go to the Amazon.

Step 2: Don't go on a canoeing trip in the Amazon.

Step 3: Don't piss in the water, on a canoeing trip in the Amazon.

Step 5: If you have to piss, piss through a sieve.

Step 6: If you piss in the water and get a cock fish, go to the doctor and get him to try the Xaqua plant (if it exists) first.

Step 7: If you're cock's been amputated due to 'cock fish' syndrome, then cry. Once you've finished crying, rue the day you ever set foot in the Amazon!

I find it almost poetic, humans harvest Ivory, Rhino horn, Shark fins - in the most cruel and inhumane ways possible. The South American Cock Fish harvests Human cocks in a similarly disgusting way. What do they do with all the cock's they collect you ask?

You Know it!

another aside, answers on a postcard plese, Who dis guy? or at least, who it remind you of??

I found this pic while researching Cock fish, Longer hair, less of the ginge beard and hey presto!

Stressed

2006-04-27T10:57:00.000+01:00

Bits and pieces really here:
News to note:

A bendy bus crashed through the front of Ainsleys on Infirmary street in Leeds the other day (can't remember exactly), I could have been there, but I wasn't.

A man suspected of committing a serious assault in Leeds managed to escape from a motorised police pursuit using a horse-and-cart.
The unnamed 34-year-old and a friend leapt onto a rag-and-bone cart when police spotted them.
Onlookers then described "a bizarre procession" as the horse and its fugitive passengers led four police motorbikes, a patrol car, video van and the force helicopter along a dual carriageway leading out of the city.
The hijacked cart's weaving on the highway managed to frustrate its pursuers and the wanted man ran off into Leeds' notorious maze of back alleyways.
You aint catching a pikey!

An American man spent five hours stuck in a chimney in the nude, before being arrested on suspicion of being under the influence of drugs.
Locked out of his house, he decided to try to get in using a cable TV wire to help him abseil down the inside of the chimney.
But first he took his clothes off. When the wire broke he fell and got wedged about three-quarters of the way down, according to police. He was only set free when a firefighter pushed him to safety. "We get him up, and he's naked as a jaybird," Hayward Police Lieutenant Gary Branson said.
Them's some fucked up drugs if they make you want to get nekid in a chimney. Unless he's a hairy chimney sweep - doesn't need a brush then, makes sense.

Drinkers were evacuated from a Welsh pub after a heavy object used by the landlord's mother to roll pastry turned out to be a World War II bomb.
A cordon was thrown around the Westlake Arms in Cwmavon, south Wales.n The pub was closed for two hours until bomb disposal experts determined the items were safe after all.
Reasonable mistake, It's heavy, it's smooth, it's bomb shaped, why wouldn't you use it for bashing pastry?

Now for something serious. We have a major problem here in the UK at present. The number of Hedgehogs is on the decline. In order to record the current situation accurately, a website has been set up in which you can enter details of when YOU last saw one. (cartoon or 'flat' ones don't really count
I expect you to do you're part and go to the following link:

www.HogWatch.org.uk

Our spikey friends have been around for long time but it's just recently that they've been declining in number. Where are they all going? are hedge prices too high in England so they're emmigrating?
By the way, they can swim you know. wouldn't think so would you? pretty good at it i hear. It' a variation on the back stroke they use. This isn't Animal of the week by the way - no, that's gonna be special. something exotic and ferrocious! (although a hedgehog can give you a nasty nip!)

On a similar not, I was bitten by a duck once, no word of a lie, you can aks my mum (aks as in chav talk). You know the fuckers can draw blood! I'm not kidding. I was teasing the duck with bread, holding it too high for it to reach, but I simply wasn't thinking that ducks can actually fly. The little bugger clamped onto my finger.

Animal Of The Week!

2006-04-21T22:55:00.000+01:00

Una Baboona

The Animal of the week this week (probably the only week I'll bother) is the majestic baboon.
The Baboon is a ferocious animal, it's main diet consists of crocodiles and elephants, but it will snack on the odd lion if it gets chance.

As part of the animal of the week installment, I'll be rating animals on their relative skills and performance:

Baboon Stats

Speed: 5

Strength: 7

Agility: 9

Intelligence: 10

Special skills: A red arse

Weapon of choice: fist full of own shit

Secondary weapon: Big fuck off teeth.

Hardness: Rockwell C 60 (similar to carbon tool steel)

Refractive Index: It's a Monkey!

Half Life: 10 years?!

Magic: Blue face!

Armour: 1/4" Tungsten Steel plating

Interests: Classical music and flower arranging

Would like to meet: A lame gazel

For: Dinner (maybe more;-)

Chances of winning a scrap one-on-one with any other land animal: Priceless.

Baboons will have a go with anything that wants a bit, Be it leopards, cheetahs, a rival drug dealer's Hyena:

There's no arguing that these are mean fuckers. Would you mess with this fella?

Course not! you get rabies looking at him

If I had a Baboon I'd call it Gerald.

Next week I'll be looking at a different Animal, we'll see how it measures up.

On a different note, today I read about Cherrie Blair's £220 a day hairstylist bill, Were'd the money go? She's got a mate who's a bit skint to join her on an all expenses tour, and paid for the privilege I think. All I know is she better have some nicely manicured pubes or I want my money back.

2006-04-21T10:06:00.000+01:00

You know how they say an Elephant is the only mammal that can't jump, well what about white men?

did you know that when a duck quacks, it doesn't echo. It's true, apparently. I've never tried to test this, they tend not to quack on demand and don't take to bribes too easily either (although they're partial to a bit of Hovis best of both I hear). I reckon to find out they had to put a thousand ducks in a cave and wait. If it sounds like there are two thousand ducks or more, the theory is bollox. One duck probably isn't loud enough to echo.

I want to know whether anyone can sneeze with their eyes open. If you can, please add a comment. People tell me it's impossible but I'm not sure. If one other person agrees that it might be possible, I will begin a scientific investigation.

Pissing in a bottle

2006-04-20T23:20:00.000+01:00

- Surprisingly tricky, make sure you leave an air gap.

Shit Pie for tea

2006-04-20T21:11:00.000+01:00

Fuckin Pie! What is its purpose?
Pie for pudding isn't what I'm on about, I don't mind the odd crumble topping, I'm talking about meat pies, chicken, beef, chicken and beef - whatever the hell combination.

I blame it all on pastry really, It relates to a childhood memory of school dinners. We had flan one day. Flan is a colloquialism for quiche I think?! Can't think of a proper description, this was like quiche lorraine but you might understand from the following attempt -
A half inch layer of scrambled eggs mixed with bits of ham, bits of vegetables, cheese and other omelette style ingredients, sat in a pie (without top crust).

A little pic of one of the better looking versions, but that's only cos it looks like a pizza.

Anyway, this flan looked like puke on pastry. It looked like, and had the texture of one of those practical joke fake vomits. Needless to say I wasn't gonna eat it. I sat in the dining hall for 2 hours with 4 dinner ladies stood there telling me I was selfish and children in Africa would starve because of me (I told them to fetch an envelope, I'd be happy to donate it). After banning me from the tuck shop for a week (pretty tough sentence for a nipper) they eventually forgot all about it and I won the day.

Now I'm aware that it was a long time ago, but that flan mentally fuckin scarred me. To this day I think of vomit when I see, hear or smell pastry. It's not such a big problem when you can avoid it, which I can - usually. Pie though, for some crazy reason everyone else seems to fuckin love it! Am I missing something? Is there a secret ingredient that I'm not getting? When I dare to mention that I don't like pie the place falls silent and I feel like a perverted pastry hating sicko. I reckon Frey Bentos have connections with Columbia myself.

I'll try any food once within reason, people eat shit in a video clip I saw once and I'd probably avoid soylent green. I've given pie more than one chance to redeem itself, but I'm afraid it's failed. I couldn't tell whether today’s pie had been taken out of the box before it was cooked. No, I think it's time to cut it out of my life. I'm turning my back on it for good. It tastes shit, looks shit, smells shit, isn't very good for you and takes ages to prepare anyway - I'm not eating that.

I look forward to my new pie free life with optimism and gladness in my heart...

2006-04-20T18:28:00.000+01:00

Check it out Tossers!

11,713,750. Can you beat that?
I very much doubt it!

2006-04-20T11:37:00.000+01:00

Oh Yes! a classic news item -
Customers in a Brazilian bank thought they had been caught up in the middle of a robbery when a security guard was shot in the leg.
Police rushed to the Banco do Brazil in Osasco but could find no evidence of a robbery.
The embarrassed guard eventually admitted he had accidentally shot himself.

I like how He waits until there's no other option before admitting it. Most people (I'm basing this on myself) would shout something along the lines of "For Fuck Sake!" and get angry at the gun for going off. Instead did he play along with it? Joining the customers on the floor and begging for his life? The dumb fuck. What did he think would happen? I'd like to know what was going through his head while he was waiting for the PoPo to arrive.

2006-04-20T10:40:00.000+01:00

Some thoughts-
If you know me you may have heard a couple of these before, I'm not apologising, anything you hear from me is priviledged information and you should be fucking grateful for re-runs!

Sword Swallowing: "the act of inserting a solid metal blade at least 15 inches long into the mouth, down the aesophagus, through the aesophageal sphincter and into the stomach"
Why? why would you do this, and which idiot tried it first?

Who invented Beer, or more specifically the fermentation process? You put sugary fruit or veg in a bucket, add some fungus and let it rot. Nobody in their right mind would taste it without a double dare being invoked.

If you have any fear that you may have eaten a poisonous mushroom:
1.Call your local hospital or doctor immediately.
2. Take a sample of the mushroom to the hospital with you (you should keep samples of all mushrooms for this reason)
3.If you know a local mycologist who could help with a definitive identification, call them immediately.

1.Duh
2. Seems reasonable enough to take to the hospital, but who's gonna store mushrooms if they aint gonna eat them? and who actually eats shrooms that they don't get in the shops? Most of the ones I've ever seen have been growing out of shit piles.
3. I know a couple of Stoners who are into their shrooms is that the same? I've never heard it called mycology before, but do I really want their help anyway? They probably sold me the fuckers in the first place.

2006-04-20T08:11:00.000+01:00

I'm stealing news articles from different places on the net, nothing of major importance, just stuff I can talk about or is remotely interesting. I've searched releases from news vendors around the globe...
And found 5 articles. Not many I grant you, but my interests are pretty narrow. War, Famine, Acts of God - they're all Newsworthy, and I care about them but I've got very little to comment. My opinion;

That's Life. You've got 3 choice

Get on with it.
Get out of it.
Stand around complaining and/or feeling sorry for yourself, then make one of the choices above.

Some might say my opinion would differ if I didn't live in the best, safest and most comfortable country in the world, and if more misfortune had befallen me or the people I love. Well I agree that my opinion might change, but it still makes sense regardless.

I don't suppose it's illegal to copy the following articles (as it's news) but I'm afraid of plagiarism (Behavior witnessed when one has the plague I think) so wont reveal the sources or names involved:

Article 1.
A stand-off in Oklahoma City ended when police realised the house they were monitoring was empty.
The siege lasted for seven hours after police carrying out a drugs investigation were worried about activity in the house and called for a tactical team.
After repeated failed attempts to establish contact with anyone in the house, police eventually stormed the property, to find it empty.

My comment: Nice work! Wonder how many donuts were polished off that day. Surely they should check sometime within the first hour? Get a few strippers down on the front lawn, see if the curtains twitch? Although if you like donuts...

Article 2.
A playwright in search of inspiration for a drama about pandas has spent much of the last week in a cage in a zoo in northern France, he told AFP.
[Some guy], 57, has spent 10 hours a day since Thursday in a cage in Amiens zoo writing "The panda's flea", with raccoons, red pandas and wolves, among other fauna, for neighbours.
His cage is furnished with a bale of straw and a log on which he perches. He does, however, have a laptop computer hooked up to a mobile phone.
But he declines to talk to the public and communicates by way of messages passed through the bars.
To write "about the universe, you have to put yourself in a cage smaller than the universe," he declared.
"This experiment magnifies characteristics. For example aggressive visitors become a bit more irascible," he said.

My comments: Ah Froggy, What would we do without you? If you didn't do crazy shit now and again to entertain us, there'd be no point keeping you!

Article 3.
Shoppers popping into a branch of Costcutter got more than they bargained for when they were menaced by a milk snake.
South Wales Police officers were called in to deal with the slippery customer in the Townhill area of Swansea.
Local expert [First Name] "Snakeman"[Last Name] and wife [Name] recovered the 3.5ft long snake, which they are now looking after. Mr [Last Name] said: "It did not bite anybody. The snake was not venomous, but it could give a nasty fright to an old lady."

My Comments:
At my local branch of Costcutter, it's the venomous old lady's behind the counter that give a nasty fright to the rest of us.

Article 4.
Sales of fresh chicken increased over the Easter week despite the recent bird flu outbreak, a supermarket chain said.
Sainsbury's reported a 12% rise in fresh British chicken fillets compared to the same week last year.
This was largely due to customer demand for quality and the assurance of food safety, a spokeswoman said. The Sainsbury's data compared year-on-year sales, not Easter week sales.

My comments: Don't shag chickens and you're pretty much safe. The plague still exists but nobody's scared of that anymore because people stopped shagging rats. The same thing applies here. It's just hype to sell newspapers!

Article 5.
Police are hunting for two "mystics" after they conned an unlucky student in Moscow into paying more than £90,000 to lift a curse.
Russia's RIA news agency quoted a police source as saying: "Two unknown women, on the pretext of lifting a curse, stole money and jewellery by means of deception. The total amount stolen is estimated at 4.48 million roubles (around £91,000)."
Many Russians are very superstitious, with the agency saying they spend huge sums each year on faith healers.

My comments: Leave them to it, they're only trying to make a living. I thin it should be the student who's investigated, entering the university system under the pretence of being intelligent. This guy's probably going to be a member of Russian parliament (or whatever system they have) maybe with keys to the Nuke silos. Better for someone to highlight this issue before we're all fucked!
If anyone out there feels cursed or just unlucky, I'll lift the curse for a Louis or excorcise you're demons for a Henry.

2006-04-11T22:26:00.000+01:00

So I work. I wish I didn't, but I do. Working's something I drifted into because it's what you do. You hear about these people who work because they like having something to do. It aint me babe, Ohh it aint me...
If I could afford to live and pay for my lifestyle I'd rather sitand stare at a dog turd for 8 hours a day than work. I hate work so much, I spend more time thinking about how I hate it than I do actually working. It's not so much the stuff that I hate, it's THE MAN telling you where you have to be at what time and doing what. Why does THE MAN get to tell you where to be? because HE pays you. What do you do with all that hard earned money? somewhere along the line you give it back. I'm sorry but the whole 'money' thing is a fucking joke. If people could do shit for themselves, and weren't so greedy, it wouldn't exist anyway. We'd all be living in huts made of shit or whatever - granted, but there's very little left in this world that isn't shit now (global warming, Longy's stories*, all that other shit). At least you're Shit-hut might have a nice view.
*If you're reading this then I'm sorry. (that I let you read it mainly but it's a running joke - you know I got love for you man. not in a gay way. not that I have anythi...)
Anyway, here's a little post I wrote. entitled Just a phonecall away, and 15 minutes on hold, and 4 call transfers before you speak to the right person, who logs a call for someone else to call you back, which they never do. - title under review

I'm the dude you phone when you're PC say 'runtime error in hidden module[]C$[][path specified is invalid]exception!%20'
Yeah, I'll answer the phone after 15 minutes of trying, and I'll do all the "Good afternoon! IT desktop support [My name] speaking. I'll even ask you to read out the error message- which I dont listen to by the way, making you try to mimick the sound you're base unit is making so you sound like a Tit to eveyone around you. But ultimately I'll say "I log call" and put the phone down. Why? you ask. I'll tell you, I don't get paid enough to give a shit is why! I have to put up with Dickheads like you (not necessarily, you'll forgive the generalisation I'm sure) who don't bother to RESTART the fucking piece of shit. Computers are shit. There's no two ways about it. Sure they work fine when you don't need them, but they wait. They wait for you to get to the last paragraph in an essay, and fuck up. That's what they want to do. That's what they were invented to do. How else would they make a job for me?
Now If I went around giving a shit about every IDIOT who puts any amount of trust in these things, I wouldn't be a very happy boy would I? It's not that I'm a miserable Bastard, I just need to maintain my sanity. I happen to think I have quite a sunny disposition (sort of).

Today I experimented with my telephone manner. The following results show that the experiment was flawed.

Happy disposition 'with a smile on my face'; "Helloooo, good morning and welcome to the IT service Desk. My name is [My name] and I'll be your guide through the wonderful world of IT..." (slight exaggerations may occur, you catch the drift though) -
Result: Caller pissed off cos they've just lost a contract to 'unknown error'.

next I figure the opposite was worth a try:

Sounding ticked off: "Desktopsupport" (no space)
Result: [company director] "Sorry, who is this?"

er...

less emotion I think;

MONOTONE

Result: Caller paused for a few seconds, "Pardon?"

then came inspiration

trying to sound rushed as if busy but still cheerful: ...'dmorningdesktop[nickname]speaking

Now I was hoping for "Oh I'm sorry, you're busy. My fault really, only a fatal exception, I'll call back later"

Result: Caller extremely pissed off, "A FATAL EXCEPTION!? GET DOWN HERE NOW! DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?"

Well Yes I do, You're the Dickhead Who's spoiling my score on solitaire- It's fucking timed you know! Christ, like I don't work hard enough. Needless to say I logged a call. Fucker!

Conclusion:
Nothing works so what's it matter? Just go with the flow. If you call desktop support, expect to be in a queue. Expect to be insulted politely ("would you like me to show you how to save you're work?"). Expect me to log a call and let me get on with it. It's the quickest way - Trust me!
Oh and seriously, check the power before you ring, I'm not fucking kidding, Check the power!
And If you get 'Access Denied' when you're on the internet, STOP LOOKING FOR SECOND HAND BOLLOCKS ON E-BAY! Wanker.

Thanks for reading this,
I'd like to thank [Company name] and all the staff, In particular [Undisclosed runtime nobhead], [fatal exception Fucker], [Pissing about with the BIOS Bastard] and [Plug it in, Pillock!] for providing the inspiration for this piece. Names may be removed for security reasons.

yours
[My name]

'Someday a real rain will come and wash all this scum off the streets'

2006-04-07T17:06:00.000+01:00

Kids these days
There is no way out of the downward spiral. There are some very are strong arguments for castration...
When I was a kid (not that long ago either) a happy slap would have been a Hi five.

There was an 18 yr old dude who knocked an old woman over at a zebra crossing and killed her, the woman's daughter asked them not to press charges because she didn't want a young life wasted. The guy then gets in his car 7 months later, gets involved in an 80mph police chase and what does he get? 200 hrs community service and 40quid court costs.

I've had worse punishment for pissing in the street.