Ultimate Fighting Champignon

Oh well. I Knacked my mate last night (I feel the word Knacked requires a K at the beginning, not that it matters it's not a proper word but it certainly looks more vicious). I know it sounds a bit stupid, but I was actually trying to stop him getting into a fight. I can't remember the ins and outs, but I never hit him, just gave him a little push. He was a bit unsteady for a bit, then just keeled over and landed on his nose. I thought I'd killed him for a minute. He should be a stunt man. I've never seen someone deck it and not put their hands out to stop themselves.
It's a long time since I had a fight - first year of big school in fact. I didn't hit that guy either. Just wrestled a bit. He was more popular than me so there were a lot of people kicking me while we were scrapping. I'd have been less popular still if I'd beaten him up, so I did the honourable thing and rubbed a discarded ham sandwich in his face - so he knew I'd won but didn't have any cuts or bruises (well not physically anyway). He hated me for it, which I can sort of understand now but I got more injuries from his supporting fans than I served him so I reckon we're square.

I feel really guilty about this whole thing by the way, he's one of those friends that would easily beat the shit out of me if he wanted to. I've injured him a number of times in the past - not intentionally- with a compass, rulers, sharp pencils etc. Once I threw a stick at him (from a long distance, not intending for it to hit him I swear it) and nearly knocked him out cold, but he's never retaliated.
I must admit though, it feels strangely empowering. Makes you want a pint of Stella.

I'd appreciate comments, am I evil?

It looks like there may be photos of the carnage on the way. watch this space.

Joke on the Water Dn Dn Dn, Dn Dn Denerh

My life has changed. I'm doing some volunteer work with my spare time, giving something back to the Environment. I go out with a group of other 'volunteers' to complete tasks. Ranging from dry stone wall building to laying footpaths and repairing fences etc.
It sounds like community service... and it is.
To be honest it's sort of interesting, but when one of my fellow 'Vols' as we like to call 'ourselves' goes for the pick axe ( p-p-p-picks up a pick axe, sorry) I like to be more than a stones throw away.
Anyway, the same fellow Vol is the focus of the post today. Now he was a nice enough young lad, spoke to me a few times to describe a recent dog fight he'd watched on his street, or to explain the advantages of using wire over string for tying cats to fireworks (apparently it can't burn the string so the cat stays for the whole party - which apparently reaches high altitude - no roman candles for this Dude). I get the impression that this is an urban 'G' or similar and doesn't have much to do outside the crack industry. He's on work experience, he told me so. I believed him, I told him so. We all went for a little nature ramble and some of us (not me) decided to make a bridge across a stream. I have to congratulate them on their simple and elegant design, but their choice of materials...
here is a crude diagram of the crude layout:


would you believe it didn't work?

It didn't work.

'G' wasn't impressed with the outcome of the exercise. I rather was.
I dont know his name yet but my first impressions see him as a Roe-esk rising star, at least in my world of entertainment.

just to beat you to it,

Steve Irwin is no more.
Stung through the heart by a stingray apparently. It was on BBC radio so probably relyable, probably.

All those crocs he poked and it's a fish that end him.

Poor lad.

Think you live in the real world? Yes, yes you do. Shit isn't it?!

REST OF THE WORLD VERSION:

The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building and
improving his house and
laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and
laughs and dances and plays
the summer away. Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.

The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the
cold.

THE END


THE BRITISH VERSION:

The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his
house and laying up supplies
for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances
and plays the summer away. Come
winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.

A social worker finds the shivering grasshopper, calls a press conference
and demands to know why the
squirrel should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others less
fortunate, like the grasshopper, are
cold and starving. The BBC shows up to provide live coverage of the
shivering grasshopper; with cuts to a
video of the squirrel in his comfortable warm home with a table laden with
food.

The British press inform people that they should be ashamed that in a
country of such wealth, this poor
grasshopper is allowed to suffer so while others have plenty. The Labour
Party, Greenpeace, Animal Rights
and The Grasshopper Council of GB demonstrate in front of the squirrel's
house. The BBC, interrupting a
cultural festival special from Notting Hill with breaking news, broadcasts
a multi cultural choir
singing "We Shall Overcome". Ken Livingstone rants in an interview with
Trevor McDonald that the squirrel
has gotten rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an immediate
tax hike on the squirrel to
make him pay his "fair share" and increases the charge for squirrels to
enter inner London.

In response to pressure from the media, the Government drafts the Economic
Equity and Grasshopper Anti
Discrimination Act, retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The
squirrel' s taxes are reassessed. He
is taken to court and fined for failing to hire grasshoppers as builders
for the work he was doing on
his home and an additional fine for contempt when he told the court the
grasshopper did not want to work.

The grasshopper is provided with a council house, financial aid to furnish
it and an account with a
local taxi firm to ensure he can be socially mobile. The squirrels food is
seized and re distributed to the
more needy members of society, in this case the grasshopper.

Without enough money to buy more food, to pay the fine and his newly
imposed retroactive taxes, the squirrel
has to downsize and start building a new home. The local authority takes
over his old home and utilises
it as a temporary home for asylum seeking cats who had hijacked a plane to
get to Britain as they had to
share their country of origin with mice. On arrival they have tried to
blow up the airport because of Britain's
apparent love of dogs.

The cats had been arrested for the international offence of hijacking and
attempt bombing but were
immediately released because the police fed them pilchards instead of
salmon whilst in custody. Initial
moves to then return them to their own country were abandoned because it
was feared they would face death
by the mice. The cats devise and start a scam to obtain money from peoples
credit cards.

A Panorama special shows the grasshopper finishing up the last of the
squirrels's food, though Spring is
still months away, while the council house he is in, crumbles around him
because he hasn't bothered to
maintain the house. He is shown to be taking drugs. Inadequate government
funding is blamed for the
grasshoppers drug 'illness'.

The cats seek recompense in the British courts for their treatment since
arrival in UK.

The grasshopper gets arrested for stabbing an old dog during a burglary to
get money for his drugs habit. He
is imprisoned but released immediately because he has been in custody for a
few weeks. He is placed in the
care of the probation service to monitor and supervise him. Within a few
weeks he has killed a guinea pig in
a botched robbery.

A commission of enquiry, that will eventually cost £10,000,000 and state
the obvious, is set up.

Additional money is put into funding a drug rehabilitation scheme for
grasshoppers and legal aid
for lawyers representing asylum seekers is increased. The asylum seeking
cats are praised by the government
for enriching Britain's multicultural diversity and dogs are criticised by
the government for failing to
befriend the cats.

The grasshopper dies of a drug overdose. The usual sections of the press
blame it on the obvious failure
of government to address the root causes of despair arising from social
inequity and his traumatic
experience of prison. They call for the resignation of a minister.

The cats are paid a million pounds each because their rights were infringed
when the government failed to
inform them there were mice in the United Kingdom.

The squirrel, the dogs and the victims of the hijacking, the bombing, the
burglaries and robberies
have to pay an additional percentage on their credit cards to cover losses,
their taxes are increased to
pay for law and order and they are told that they will have to work beyond
65 because of a shortfall in
government funds.

THE END


-----no claim to ownership

bugger

Just when I thought I had fans.

'You're excellent, so is your site'
'this is the best site I've ever seen - bookmarked'

I thought there was someone leaving me arse kissing comments, maybe even a bird, but no.
I've been stung by the automated generic email ploy.

I did wonder at a comment that said my site was 'informative'.

Gag And Bag This Nazi Muffin

Now I know their prices are a bit steep, but Third Reich support? bit much.
I got on the bus home the other day paid my money (the guy was smiling and seemed in a good mood) but what did I notice when I collected my change? A fucking swastica tatooed on his hand! Now i can respect the argument that it's not just a Nazi symbol - it's probably thousands of years older than history but I have three things to say on this occasion -
1. It's a bus that goes through Beeston - you'd think they'd make him cover it up.
2. He had several other tatoos of various nasty things - skulls with the little pointy German 1st world war helmets on - that sort of thing
3. It was shoddy workmanship. typical sailor type blue ink tatts where the ink's bled.

It may come as a shock to you but I think the bus service in this country is shameful. There are very few developed countries on the planet that still have to put up with random timetables, over crowding and fucking regular breakdowns ( more regular than the service anyway). Fair enough there are places in India where 400 people pile on, but are they paying £1.80 for a 4 mile journey? No! At least they get fresh air if they're sat on the roof. Someone farts in this country and you have to put up with it.

Do they need to make their image worse by hiring offensive material to pilot these death traps? what's wrong with a plaster or gloves?

I've said it before - shameful.

first it's Heroes in a Half Shell, Now Jim's back

I find it disturbing that cartoons are re released. Now fair enough, as with Turtles Jim was good - but why do they bring it out again? I have no problem with reruns but this is going to be a new series! What there's no creativity left? WQe have to watch second rate versions of classics with sissy whimp voices replacing the proper ones?
SHAMEFUL

Anyway, for those who don't remember it, this might jog your memory:

Earthworm Jim!
Through the soil he did crawl!
Earthworm Jim!
A super suit did fall!
Jim was just a dirt eating chewy link of worm flesh
But all that came to a crashing end, ha ha ha!
Earthworm Jim!
He's such a groovy guy!
Earthworm Jim!
He rockets through the sky!
Cruisin' through the universe havin' lots of fun
Here comes Earthworm Jim you know he's the mighty one!

Despite his great big muscles and his really big ray gun
Jim is still an earthworm but then he's the only one
With a supersuit that makes him really super strong
Jim can be winner only if we all sing along!
Earthworm Jim!
We think he's mighty fine!
Earthworm Jim!
A hero for all time!
Earthworm, Earthworm, Earthworm
Earthworm Jim!
Hooray for Jim!

Just don't dress like a terrorist!

Man I missed out on something cool, just cos I aint a cockney. We need StreetWars - Leeds

It looks pretty cool, you get to assassinate people but with water pistols. Check it out. StreetWars London started today, or tonight... I dunno

www.streetwars.net

I found this on yahoo, it has a title but I prefer to call it 'Fucked Up but Pretty Cool'

The phenomenal power of the human mind


I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdaniegThe phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid! Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer inwaht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? Yaeh, and I awlyas thought slpeling was ipmorantt.NOTE: I read this somewhere and I just had to pass it around. I do not know the origins of the text

Animals of the week

I'm sure by now you're aware that the timeframe and indeed the whole format I originally set has gone down the pan.
Hey-ho.
This is a picture of a two headed snake:

Apparently they're not that rare, some have been known to fight each other for food. Quality. Having a scrap over food which ultimately feeds them both anyhow. It would be worth watching.




And this is a picture of a two headed tortiose:


This little fellow's been named Twotoise.






I think it's an issue resulting from anthropogenic activity in the environment myself.

I spotted this poor sod in Amsterdam zoo (standing in front of a picture of the African bush). I feel sorry for the poor bugger at the back that has to watch itself shit everyday.
Shortly after seeing 'Cerberaffe' I had another spliff then flipped off the Gorilla. He was an angry young primate. He left a greasy hand print on the glass next to my face that was bigger than a tennis racket (when I say next to my face, I mean next to where my face had been. My face could be seen streaking through the zoo screaming). It's a laid back zoo there, I like it and would recommend you go. Above the hippo tank there was a sign saying 'Flash photography makes the hippo angry and dangerous'. Now I don't know about you but that's an offer I can't refuse. You see they provide tips for getting the most out of your visit.




NB.
I didn't use photoshop in any of the pictures above. whether someone else did is not my problem. I may have used photo editor for tweeking the cerberaffe picture slighty ( I made him an inch taller, can you tell?) but it's such a shit program it wasn't easy.

Double entendres and psycology in one

I keep getting stuff like this sent to me at work, It's funny. What I don't like though is the fact that every sod who gets it decides to pass it on again, so I've had this 12 times in the last month.
But for some reason, I read it through everytime just to check it's not slightly different. I think it's a psycological issue - I have to check. Least it passes the time. If you haven't read them before, have a look. If you have read them, don't read again, you'll be stuck in the same downward spiral of compulsive insanity.
I knew a guy at Uni, he started like this... well he did drink 20 cans of coke a day aswell. Now he's buggered, has to have 12 showers in a row and when he comes out of the shower, if you say hello it freaks him out and he has to go straight back in and do the lot from scratch. I bet Pantene fucking loved him. He'd never had a wank - or so he said, he couldn't cope with the thought of it - that made him wash his hands 10 times which is bad enough. He'd need a brillo pad to clean his knob so I don't blame him. Life's cruel to some people. He wasn't a bad lad, bit odd though. on a serious note (I know, I know 'where's it been funny so far?') The poor lad apparently had a life expectancy of 40. Which is a big kick in the bollocks I'm sure you'll agree, I probably wont make it that long but blissfully unaware etc. I'd at least want a bottle of vodka with my 20 cans of coke. And I'd consider blaming them for my problem too!


Double Entendres

MIKE Hallett on Sky Sports discussing snooker during a match where Steve Davis kept missing easy pots "Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."

MICHAEL Buerk watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: "They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts."

STEVE Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69."
Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."

JACK Burnicle was talking about Colin Edward's tyre choice on World Superbike racing: "Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I bet he wished he had a hard on now."

WINNING Post's Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony McCoy's formidable lead: "Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes what he sees."

ROSS King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond: "Well Phil, tell us about your amazing third leg."

DURING the 1989 British Masters golf tournament, the commentator observed: "Notices are appearing at courses telling golfers not to lick their balls on the green."

CRICKETER Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham v Lancashire match, inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe: "With his lovely soft hands he just tossed it off."

CLAIR Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: "There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."

JAMES Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked: "What does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?"

THE new stand at Doncaster race course took Brough Scott's breath away..."My word," he said. "Look at that magnificent erection."

WILLIE Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for a big race when he said: "They usually have four or five dreams a night about coming from different positions."

USPGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them.... Oh my god! What have I just said?"

David Coleman at the Montreal Olympics - "And there goes Juantorena down the back straight, opening his legs and showing his class."

Metro Radio - "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."
Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - "Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew."

Ted Walsh- Horse Racing Commentator - "This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother."

New Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him."

Pat Glenn- Weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"

(non sports) Chris Tarrant discussing the first Who wants to be a Millionaire winner Judith Keppel on This Morning: "She was practising fastest finger first by herself in bed last night."

Animal of the Weak (weak as in could do better)

Well he sure looks soft. Here's a few facts though:
It was originally thought that the first platypus specimens that were sent to England, were nothing more than an elaborate hoax. This was a fairly logical reaction to an animal that would seem impossible because it had a muzzle like a duck's bill, a tail like a beaver and which laid eggs but suckled its young. All of these attributes seemed contradictory to the knowledge scientists had in those days. But since then a lot of investigation has been done in order to find out more about this 'hoax' of a creature.
The platypus is roughly half the size of a household cat. The adult male's average length is about 50cm and its weight is approximately 1.7kg. The female, however, is smaller and will reach an average length of 44cm and weigh about 0.9kg. This difference in size and weight between the males and the females is called sexual dimorphism

The platypus is a shy creature that will attempt to swim away and avoid aggressive situations. This may involve spending longer underwater, possibly up to 10 minutes, and at the same time not giving off any tell-tale bubbles that would indicate its position (pussy). However, during the breeding season the male platypus is likely to become aggressive towards potential competition(randy). This aggression is predominantly demonstrated with the use of the poisonous spur located on his hind legs (sneaky). These spurs are hollow and are connected to a sac of poison, which is pumped through the spur and into the object that it has pierced(painful). It has been known that this venom can kill dogs and other platypuses/platypi, but wild platypuses/platypi have been found with injuries sustained by spurs, yet they have survived.

The story I heard was that the first guy to try and stroke one got a jab and said it was the most painful thing he'd ever experienced. The reporter kicked him in the nuts and set him straight.

Tit of the Century (286th century though it may be)

If I didn't know better, I'd think a certain large Star Trek fan some of us are acquainted with owned a farm, but it's probably a bit much. And by large I don't mean the extent of his fan-ness (replace n with t and you know to whom I refer)
LONDON (Reuters) - A British fan of the cult TV show "Star Trek" has boldly gone where no man has gone before and created a giant maize maze dedicated to the programme.
Trekkie Tom Pearcy used satellite technology to help him cut the maze in the corn field at his farm near York, northern England, to celebrate 40 years since the show's first episode.
The maze, whose design includes images of character Mr Spock and the USS Enterprise spaceship, used 1.5 million maize plants and claims to be the biggest of its kind in the world

This is

seriously funny. I think thwe idea is that they're all in a library so aren't allowed to speak. the big bloke is apparently some famous kickboxer.
The slapping machine is the funniest one in my opinion.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6wzMJ_RdgHg&feature=Views&page=2&t=a&f=b

motivational words

Be the one to make a difference.

Doherty

How does the most famous drug abuser of present times, get on a plane with syringes?
I'm sorry but there are some serious double standards that need to be addressed. He's famous so he's not searched on his way in? I get searched every fucking time I go through. If I tried bringing a spliff back from Amsterdam, I'd be fucked. yet this guy can leave needles in the toilet and he only gets banned from easyjet. The fact that kids use these toilets doesn't seem to matter.

Fucking Injustice

Diet tips

In line with my usual info pilfering, here's a few little diet tips that might make you think. I came across this, it's not a funny site, I imagine the guy copied it from somewhere else - someone more creative...

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British, Australians or Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British, Australians or Americans.
3. The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British, Australians or Americans
4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British, Australians or Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British, Australians or Americans.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

What's in the news?

Emails objecting to a house extension failed to reach a council planning department because their computer system blocked the word "erection", it emerged.
Commercial lawyer Ray Kennedy, from Middleton, Greater Manchester, sent three emails to Rochdale Council complaining about his neighbour's plans.
But the first two messages, which contained the word "erection", failed to reach the planning department because the software on the town hall's computer system deemed them offensive.

Hehe. It's a poor state of affairs when we're afraid of the word erection. Lets face it. This highlights political correctness gone mad. The word erection really applies to the building/planning industry. How many emails would have been blocked? crazy.

Swan paddle boats on a pond in Germany are so realistic, one real swan has fallen in love!
The black swan has not left the white swan boat's side since it flew in to the German town of Muenster in early May.
"It seems like he's fallen in love," said Overschmidt. "He protects it, sits next to it all the time and chases away any sail boats that get anywhere nearby. He thinks the boat is a strong and attractive swan."

Awwh. Silly swan. He's only after a bit of low maintenance plastic loving and everyone takes the piss.

Batwoman is set to to be reincarnated - as a lesbian socialite.
The superhero, first introduced in 1956, will return to the pages of comic books as a "wealthy, buxom lipstick lesbian" in July after an absence of nearly 30 years.
The old Batwoman had a crush on Batman before she was killed off in 1979, but the new superhero alter-ego of Kathy Kane has a romantic history with ex-police detective Renee Montoya, according to the New York Times.

Superman's now a 3ft tall, bald Mongolian named Leroy. He's originally from the planet Crap'ton and his super powers including being able to watch the English Patient from start to finish and get into any club in Leeds without paying entry even when pissed. His only weakness - Cryptomarmite.

Striker

This is in fact the world's greatest striker (in football for those with my level of sports knowledge). I'm not kidding. watch it and tell me you dont agree!http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHaeB0UeAtQ&search=woman%20scoring%20a%20goal

Pathetic.
what drives these people?
knob ends that send emails trying to be sarcastic and copying your boss and their boss and anyone else in. They're frontin. They're trying to goad me into some sort of retaliation. Little do they know I'm resilient to attack!
I don't give a fuck. they can play their little games for all I care. I'll leave them to it. Just diffused the situation by playing stupid. " yeah, you're right. I should have called to confirm. I'm an idiot, you're great. Thanks for pointing this out."

tosspot toilet talkers

Ok I'm not going to spend too long on this, but when you're standing at a urinal, how offensive is it when some tosser speaks to you?! It doesn't interupt my flow or make me nervous, I just dont think its an appropriate time to have a conversation with another bloke - when you're both stood, cock in hand.

It's forgivable when the dude's pissed, but one guy at work does it all the time. He's fairly old, I'd say between 50 and 65. He has a boozers nose (all read and blotchy like Jim from the royal family) and greasy hair that sticks to his forehead. I think he's got a gammy leg too and he's always having a shit. Imagine the type, I'm sure there's one where you work. Anyway, when I first started with the company, he picks the urinal next to me and says "they're very cosy these toilets aren't they?" - I made that noise when you exhale through your nose briefly to acknowledge the speaker. Because he's a dodgy looking fellow, since then I always made sure our timing didn't coincide.
However,
Today I missed out. He was there. And what did he say? "they're very cosy these toilets aren't they?".

I did a double take. Deja vu or whatever.
Here's this guy, who not only talks to people in the bog, but has his own little spiel which he uses every time. He drew an "mmm" out of me this time, more out of wonder at this freak than anything he said.

Advice needed.
There's a house near where I live, I walk past it every day and notice something strange. at around 5pm, it's not out of the ordinary for houses to smell of cooking etc but this one is different. So far I've noticed 3 different smells.
Sometimes it smells of spent matches - you know the sulphurous smell.
Sometimes it smells of burnt hair - again you knw the smell.
Sometimes it smells of boiled eggs and toasted soldiers with salt and pepper - I know it's not quite as recogniseable as the others, but this is the best explaination I can come up with.

Now don't get me wrong, it's not every day I walk past that I detect this, but it's too often for my liking. It worries me (not to any great extent, mor of a passing concern) that there may be some crazy shit going down.
It seems to me that there's some sort of arson/torture/bomb making facility in the garage. As it happens I live near what was, (until recently discovered and closed) one of the largest IRA bomb factories so maybe they relocated to my street. anyway, if there's a link between these fragrances, please let me know so I can shop them. If I know you, I'll point out the house some day.

Animal of the week - 4th week Anniversary edition

Acctually thinking about it, I can't remember whether I did one last week. I can't be bothered finding out now anyway.

Here it is. Jaws.

According to most people the great white shark is a cold blooded killing machine.
trouble is, how do we know they're cold blooded? you're trying to tell me there isn't even a hint of guilt? I think there is, look at this picture if you don't agree:

looks like anguish to me.

What, like squirrells express they're feelings of guilt all the time?

fucking squirrels never shut up do they
"I've killed again. new born oak trees this time. I've burried one in the yard, but I can't tell you where it is without my solicitor present. Pleeeeease dont send me to prison." this quote taken from the squirrel on the right.

I had to put this pic in, I find it hilarious -

The great white shark is a pretty mean fucker, in the water you don't stand a chance, but outside the kebab shop on a friday night, you can take him!

Official - I'm an alcoholic

As promised, my postings are erratic at best.
I'm just here to let you know I'm still alive - just, I've been a bit busy is all.
I need to pass some advice on, when you think it's a good idea to go out drinking mid week, it isn't. You'll tend to have a better night than at the weekend, there's something about friday and saturday nights that seems too regular. The best nights of course are those when you weren't going to do anything, and have to be up at 6 for work. Trouble is you pay for it the next day.
Why do people forget the after effects of drink? it fuckin hurts and often lasts a whole day but as soon as it's worn off you're like "so what we doin tonight then?" For all the bad press weed gets, it doesn't mess you up for a day does it? (come on, I know you know). thing is the man can tax you plenty for booze so it's acceptable.

Anyway, I'm not going to stop having the odd tipple even though I feel like shit today. doesn't that seem stupid?

I did an online alcoholism test yesterday, results were bad.
Questions were along the lines of how often do you drink, how many people have you injured due to booze
http://www.bbc.co.uk/health/conditions/addictions/typesaddiction_alcohol.shtml
If you scored between 8 and 10 then it suggested talking to a doctor. I got 15. Which , if you take the test yourself is actually a reserved estimate. I'd go to the doctor but he's probably had more to drink before driving to work. After last night I reckon I've cranked the score up to about 30 though.

Three links you need to see.
Number one is pretty funny, Number two is a bit sad (that they spent so much time on it), Number three is a better attempt at the holding your breath competition that Blaine tried recently. By the way I get most of this stuff from Yahoo! Office attachments (link to the right somewhere). you can also find some funny videos etc on http://www.youtube.com/

http://uk.rd.yahoo.com/oa/*http://uk.download.yahoo.com/pr/fu/oa/easterbunny1.wmv
http://uk.rd.yahoo.com/oa/*http://uk.download.yahoo.com/pr/fu/oa/ghostbusters.wmv
http://www.legodavidblaine.co.uk/